Don't Hold It Inside

Today I am just going to share with you a story based on a recent Facebook post I made. It got a lot of positive comments, so I feel like sharing it here in hopes that it helps more people. On Monday, June 6th, it was my 4 year anniversary since the last time I used self-harm to deal with my negative emotions. 

What happened was, I had just gotten fired from a job and when I left the building after getting escorted out, I got to my car in the parking lot, and I was so still so deep in the emotions of fear, frustration and hurt, that I ended up doing more damage to myself than I intended. At the time it was common for me to use cutting as a way to cope with these feelings, so I had always kept a clean razor blade in my car, just in case. This time was different, the emotions were still so raw, it was literally 8 minutes after getting fired. Well this time, instead of cutting, I just pressed down hard on the razor. Immediately blood starting pouring down my arm and was dripping everywhere in my car. I drove away from work, but the two people who escorted me to my car, saw what I did. They told the manager, who in turn called me while I was driving away. He had called 911. I stopped at the gas station that was down the street so I could meet with my fiance, who just so happened to be on the highway close by. That's when I saw the ambulance. They took me into the van and brought me to the ER where I was on watch for a few hours. After this, I was brought to the psych unit at a local hospital, and LOCKED IN. They wouldn't let me leave. I was pissed. I was shocked. I was sad.  After a week of group sessions and therapy, I was discharged. I thought this involuntary hospitalization was completely unnecessary, because I so obviously was not trying to kill myself, I just needed to get rid of those emotions I was feeling so strongly at the time. Nobody else saw it this way, they thought I was trying to kill myself. Silly people.
About a month after I left the hospital, I was finally able to attend a DBT Therapy group in Lawrence. I participated in the group every week for over a year, in addition to my regular therapy sessions. Prior to this incident, a previous therapist had suggested DBT Therapy years before, but I didn't know where to go to get it. While in this group, I learned how to better cope with my emotions. I learned mindfulness. I learned to recognize when I am feeling like things are getting built up inside me. To speak up and diffuse the situation before it gets anywhere close to a boiling point. I recently used these skills to overcome a stressful situation at my current job. After feeling the stress and worry, instead of holding it inside, and letting it build up over time, along with resentment and anger, I made a appointment to talk with my boss. Face to face. I would not have done that before. After this meeting was over, I felt so relieved. It wasn't that bad !! We ended up both compromising and I was able to get hours that I was more comfortable with. I am forever grateful for the knowledge and friendships I gained by going to DBT Therapy. I would recommend this to anyone who uses self-harm. The skills you will learn can be carried with you for the rest of your life. I have also started to meditate at night before bed. I am not doing it as regular as I'd like, but it's a start. :) There is a really great app for your phone called Insight Timer, you should check it out.

Image via: pnw.edu

 If you or someone you know uses self-harm to cope with feelings and emotions, you are not alone and I am here to tell you that there can be an end to it. Here are a few pages with some great facts and information I found: 

The Counseling Center: http://www.pnw.edu/counseling/self-harm-awareness/ 

S.A.F.E. Alternatives: http://www.selfinjury.com/ 

Good Therapy: http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/dialectical-behavioral-therapy

Wishing you a bright, happy and harm-free future, 

Leave a Comment Tags: about me, awareness, mental health, self-injury

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