For the past three months I have been so focused on my own pain, my own hurt, my own feelings.
I was consumed with myself. It's all I could think about. It was so overwhelming. It's all I could feel.
I was in survival mode. I was doing anything and everything to not give you what you had asked for, space. It felt like I was slowly suffocating, I was dying. I did anything to just not feel that. It was incredibly selfish of me. Looking back, you asking for space was probably very hard for you to do. But, it was something that needed to be done.
I was so focused on my pain, not once was I able to step into your shoes for a minute. Try to see things from your perspective. I'm sure everyone would have done things a little differently, and I shouldn't have thought the way you handled things was "wrong." There is no right and wrong when it comes to how people should or shouldn't feel.
You used to say, "Have I lied to you ?" and my answer was always "No." I wish I could have been more trusting, and not so desperate, the very first time you asked for space. I kicked and screamed for far too long before finally giving you what you wanted. That was wrong of me. Selfish and needy of me. That was me trying to guilt trip and control you into talking to me. Because I needed you to. It wasn't what you wanted, but what I wanted.
During this time, all the desperate messages I sent you, were just that, complete desperation. When I called you a narcissist, a cold heartless person, it was out of pure hurt and desperation. I never meant what I said, I was just so so hurt. It wasn't true. Deep down I know that. You've comforted me many, many times, times like the hotel room, where I will never forget your arms around me as I was crying hysterically. The time you came to Foods Plus to get me when I was feeling suicidal. Even the last time we stayed together at Karen's, you were so exhausted from working, but you still came to comfort me. I took you for granted. Something, If I ever get the chance, I will never do again.
You've done so much for me, and because of my stupid dreams or expectations of how I thought things should have been, I was never able to live in the moment, I always had to have an end goal. That was on me and I never should have projected my wants and desire onto you.
I am truly sorry for calling you names when I was hurt. Saying mean things about you to my friends. Being hurt was no excuse to do this.
My overwhelming pain caused me to do and say things that I am not proud of, and you never deserved. Please accept my apology. I'm deeply sorry for any pain I caused you. It was not done on purpose. I would like it if we both could learn and grow from this experience.
Move forward and start new. When your ready.
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