September
is always a painful month, due to the anniversaries of my Brothers
and Mothers deaths. I thought the month would go OK, as my ex took the time to spend the night of the 8th-9th night with me. It meant so much to me, I appreciated it more than he could ever know.
Sunday, September 23rd was the anniversary of my Moms death. I thought I would have support in the form of my ex spending the night with me again because he had told me he planned on it. The day before our plans he changed his mind. I was devastated to say the least. Didn't really get an explanation from him, just a "Good-bye".
In between these two dates, I had bought a new car and 4 days later totaled it in a car accident. 2 days before that I had declined gap insurance, never thinking anything would ever happen. Bad move. So, I ended up buying another car and now have two car payments for awhile. That is a huge financial stress that is causing some worry and anxiety. Sometimes life just throws everything at you all at one. I couldn't handle it. I knew I was going to crack. It had been building for months.
Around 10:30am on Sunday the 23rd, I was super low, hopeless, and felt helpless. I called Hampstead Hospital and spoke with a woman in admissions. I wanted to drive there and sign in. Due to various reasons, she told me I'd have to go through a MA ER first. I had gone though that part many times and always was able to get released. Not this time. I had a Section 12A put on me and the police & ambulance showed up at my sister in laws house to pick me up.
I spent 52 hours in the Merrimack Valley Hospital ER. Waiting for a bed. So, I saw crisis, and waited in a room with 4 other patients laying on gurneys. All belongings were taken away, and we could do nothing but try to sleep. This is an insane amount of time, considering being in this type of situation can and did cause massive anxiety. I was bawling, crying, hyperventilating. Not fun. I got ONE Valium for the 2 and a half days I was there. I also had $20 cash stolen from my purse and my bottle of Adderall was taken while my purse was supposed to be locked in a locker. I spoke to the ER Manager who is looking into it, but I doubt anything will come of that.
Forward to Tuesday the 25th around 2:00pm, I was finally transferred to Whittier Pavilion in Haverhill. This is the part where I would get the help I needed. As soon as I got in I signed the 3 day form, at 2:35pm, making it likely I'd get out in 72 hours unless the doctor thought I needed more time, he would have had to take me to court to keep me there.
I was pretty comfortable the moment I arrived. I said to myself it was a retreat for myself, to work on me. I had a blast, met some amazing people, helped some amazing people with my experiences and basically wish I hadn't resisted this for so many months. The staff was super nice and supportive and they provided some great groups for the patients. Being around others with similar issues really put my problems into perspective. It was just really, really nice to be around so many supportive people, helping each other out. 2 of the people who I got close with even made me signs to put up in my room as a daily reminder for my heartbreak / addiction to Saul.
I have two major complaints. The first being the amount of time I spent in the ER waiting for a bed. 2.5 days. This is outrageous. Another patient I met at Whittier had spent 3 days waiting !! This is just wrong in every way. When you have anxiety and are holed up in one room for 2 and a half days, being watched, it only makes you feel worse. We need more facilities, to say the least. My second complaint is that anyone who knows a smoker, knows that people smoke as a stress reliever. A coping mechanism. When I was put in Whittier a few of us asked why, if we had fresh air time outside, we couldn't smoke. The reasoning was that the hospital gets more funding from the state if they can call themselves a Non-Smoking facility. Crazy right ?! Getting more money is more important than the comfort of the patients. That just blows my mind.
During my stay at Whittier it was extremely helpful to be surrounded by others who had problems going on in their life right now, it made me realize that I am not alone. One of the best feelings being in those places, is being able to get out your own head and focus on helping others and healing yourself. Talking, comforting, reassuring others, hopefully giving them a ray of hope. There was nothing like the feeling of seeing some of them smile and laugh. That is the meaning of life.
I will still stumble and fall, possibly relapse. Being addicted to someone is not fun at all, and it is the same as being addicted to any substance. This is my current reading material. It humanizes the person, makes you look at the person logical, as opposed to emotionally. Similar to focusing on their negative qualities. Asking things such as, do these negative qualities outweigh the positives and vice versa.
Right now I am just hoping to get through each day right now. Focusing on what is good and healthy for me. With help and support from family, friends, therapy and groups, I will conquer this. I have to. For my life.
If you are feeling suicidal, depressed, or just need to get some help, please call the National Suicide Hotline at: -1800-273- 8255 or visit them on the web at:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
A special Thank You to those that visited me.
