Meet my sometimes friend Saul Fisher. As of six months ago, I have reconnected with him after not seeing him or talking much to him for around nine years. Lets start at the beginning.
July 2005
This was when I met Saul. I was interested in a friend of my brothers, Chad. One night, I went up to Derry, NH to visit with him, and he called his friend Saul to come hang out after he got out of work, at Mobil down the street. I was there to visit and spend time with Chad, I didn't even look twice at Saul. I kind of thought he was a dork. Fast forward to a few times when I would be upset with Chad, not sure why, but I kind of clung to Saul, would call him or visit him at work when I was fighting with Chad, or Chad was ignoring me (Which is the WORST thing you can do to me.) Saul was kind of comforting, he'd help me realize I was just overreacting to whatever the issue happened to be with Chad. This picture was late one night when I was hanging out at Chads off Island Pond Road. This may have been the first night I met Saul, I am not sure.
Seems like Chad ignored me a lot, which I can't explain it, it drives me absolutely insane, I want to scream !! Hello, just talk to me, like an adult !! Sweeping shit under the rug doesn't make it go away, I'm surprised how many people actually think this to be true. Apparently Chad and Saul both thought this. Umm, no. Not with me anyway. Obviously, the more Chad and I would get into fights, the more I started hanging out and looking for comfort from Saul. Pretty quickly something inside me shifted, and I remember thinking what the hell, are you starting to like this dork ?! It was almost overnight I went from thinking he was a geek, to oh my God he is sexy !! Around this time, I was pretty much ignored by Chad and stopped being interested in him. No major heartbreak, that sort of happened during the time I was chasing him. I had a new crush now. This was the first picture that was given to me of Saul. It must have been from Bill.
2003 Ford F250 Super Duty FX4. This was his truck at the time.... I miss this truck.
For me, it's a symbol of Saul.
I started falling harder and harder for Saul. I spent many nights hanging out with him and Bill. It was almost like the same thing as with Chad. I began getting ignored by Saul, and his friend Bill was a sweetheart, always there to comfort me. He would tell me how Saul was just using me, and that he really liked me. I wasn't listening, I wanted Saul, and I wanted him BAD. The three of us had lots of late, crazy party nights. It was fun, mixed with even more misery. This is Bill and Saul downstairs at Sauls house.
Oh yeah, almost forgot. Around this time I casually asked Saul to sign a piece of paper. He did. And I went and did this. Extreme ? yes. But, I just can't explain what the pull is towards him. Maybe I will go years not seeing him, then see him, then repeat. Either way, he will always mean something to me, but why, I don't know. A year later just before losing touch with him, I decided to cover the tattoo with a dedication one for my brother. The reason being, Saul didn't deserve this.
Recently I had that urge to go get his name tattooed on me again. I have not done so. This is the tattoo I got for my brother Tony. The rabbit covers Sauls name. Do I regret getting his name tattooed ? Not at all. If he had been nicer to me and even remotely a friend, i'd still have it.
But, that wasn't the case.
I chased after Saul for about two years. During this time I was becoming more and more friends with Bill. Come the weekend, the three of us were hanging out a lot. It was Bill who used to tell Saul to invite me over. I remember saying that we should be like "Three's Company" and live together. Every time I would cry and get upset over Saul, Bill was always there comforting me. Eventually, I finally gave up on Saul and Bill and I got serious. We have had our ups and downs, but had a lot of good times. Throughout our time together, Bill and Saul stopped talking, and the few times Saul wanted to get together with me (Can you say horny ?) I either ignored him, or blew him off. This is when we ran into him at Topsfield Fair around 2012.
December 2016
Saul contacted me and I hesitated, but ended up going to see him one day in December. It was 2 days before his Birthday, December 19th. Bill and I were having some problems in our relationship that we've both admitted. I ended up cheating for the first time in my life. The guilt was horrible but, I secretly kept seeing Saul and for the first 2 months, it was great, because he wasn't my main focus. Why am I telling you this ? Well, because I am a believer in talking things out, admitting when you've made a mistake, and working through it. Hiding this and never addressing it will not benefit me in any way. I will not learn and grow from hiding.
This is Saul at a company outing, no, the finger isn't for me, I swiped the pic because admit it, he is hot right ?! ;) Lust 101.
March 2017
Something in me started to get way out of control. I was getting obsessed again. I was becoming demanding of Saul. He started ignoring me because of this. I was getting more upset each time he did this. I started to get anxiety every time I had to leave him. Some of the panic attacks have been extreme, uncontrollable sobbing to the point where I couldn't breathe. Will he ever call me ? Will I see him again ?
Are you obsessed with someone ? Is someone obsessed with you ? I have read these books, and I would recommend both of them.
Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much To Let Go
The Dance of Anger
During this time, Bill figured out what was going on. Needless to say, he was crushed. This used to be his best friend. We fought, we made up, we tried to work something out that would make both of us happy. For a few weeks it was OK that I split my time between work, Bill, and Saul. Remember that "Three's Company" reference from years ago ? It was back. Yeah, I wish.
This is Saul passed out after one of the worst nights of my life, ever. I had gone to see him to say good-bye. It ended up being a disaster. I drank too much and took anxiety meds. I passed out and don't remember much of that night. I just couldn't handle it, I wasn't ready. But, doesn't he look peaceful ? Sometimes I think becoming an alcoholic to avoid such intense emotions might be a good thing.
May 2017
In an attempt to get over Saul, I went so far as to destroy some memories of him. On May 3rd, during the New Moon, I went out and burned some things. It was enlightening, but really, if only you could burn memories from your mind.
Apparently the splitting time between them wasn't something everyone could handle because the last Saturday night I went see Saul, Bill had had enough. This was May 13th. The following Monday he decided to completely cut all ties to me. I turned to Saul for comfort, big mistake. He just wasn't available or there for me in any way. This proved to me that I mean nothing to him. He gave me a ridiculous excuse about Bill getting him fired, so this somehow gave him the right to ignore me. I felt suicidal because I was losing both of them at the same time. Unimaginable. I was not able to deal. Concerned, Bill called the police and had me admitted to the ER for suicidal ideation. I did not cut, and had a few friends show up for support, so I was able to go home that night.
Present Day
So here I am, things are going alright with Bill. We are speaking again and going on dates. It's nice. Just taking baby steps. I am researching obsession / co-dependency / AL-Anon and even open relationships. Is is possible to love two men ? That's up for debate, depending who you ask. The reason for this post is because I have done everything under the moon to get Saul to talk to me like an adult. I have gotten extreme bouts of crying and anxiety because I feel like he will never speak to me again. How can someone do that to someone else ? I have bounced back and forth from grieving a living person, to slight hopefulness. It's exhausting.
Have you ever felt like this ? I have come across this really helpful website. It helps explain the unconventional grief you may feel over losing someone who is still alive.
The Bereavement Academy
In closing, I just want to say, some people may not be happy with this post but, this is my blog. This is therapy for me. I would have loved to sit down and discuss my feelings with Saul himself, nobody else. There seems to have always been other people involved in our relationship, which just complicated things even more. Sitting alone with him has not been possible and I am doing this for me. To clear my demons. Have you ever just met someone, and for reasons unknown, you cared so deeply about them ? I know that Saul and I will never be romantically involved, but I will always love him. The idea that he purposely ignores me, and disrespects me just because he knows how I feel about him, is unacceptable. It just doesn't make sense. What I am doing for myself, is to talk about my feelings, read, research, and try and figure out what makes some people act the way they do. I believe this will be a lifelong study, and I'm OK with that.
*Names have not been altered.
I am grateful for Can'tAffords. I am grateful for folding your laundry. I
am grateful for all the time you spent with me. I'll never forget the pure happiness I found in spending time with you.
